Respect the mullet

Today I learned that the mullet is banned in Iran.

This makes me sad, since the “business in the front, party in the back” hairstyle was invented by none other than the Kouretes:

Archemachus the Euboean says that the Kouretes settled at Chalcis, but since they were continually at war for the Lelantine Plain and the enemy would catch them by the front hair and drag them down, he says, they let their hair grow long behind but cut short the part in front, and because of this they were called “Kouretes,” from the cut [koura] of their hair. (Strabo, Geography 10.3.6)

Harumph, I say. Let us honor the mailed Bakchoi with a hymn, even if the Iranians do not:

I summon to these prayers
the dancemad, hauberk-clad Lads
who slam their ashen spear butts to the ground
and scream ferociously
in time to the thunder-summoning kettledrums
and double-pipes trilling like pandaemonium
loosed upon the earth.
Everything quakes and throbs as they draw near,
these bringers of flowers and plump summer bees;
beasts and trees and everything else
are caught in the potent rapture
of their raw, unyoked masculinity which comes
crashing against the shore in foamy waves,
breaking through a well-ordered foreign phalanx,
crushing walls that would dare keep them out.
When they leap and prance upon the field
the cold winds are driven to cowardly flight by their heat,
snow trembles and pisses itself into nothingness,
ice is afraid as a child in a cage
and all rejoice for the beloved of the Nymphs,
the protectors of the grotto and defenders of the innocent,
the march-loving springtime Youths
are here to play.

7 thoughts on “Respect the mullet

  1. Why on earth is the mullet banned? (I couldn’t access the link — it’s behind a paywall). Love the prayer!


    1. It’s been a thing for a while. Islamic extremists believe cuts like the mullet to be examples of “Western decadence” and therefore doubleplusnotgood. Stephen Colbert did a bit about it years ago on the Colbert Report

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Ah the mullet. The most memetastic of cuts. I remember one time a kid made fun of me in sixth grade by saying I had a mullet. The joke on him of course being he didn’t actually know what a mullet was. My hair was long all around much like it’s been for most of my life. So really it just showed how dumb he was.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.