The instinct to take the last post down after getting up from my nap was strong, and only got stronger as the evening wore on.
I don’t like showing vulnerability to begin with, and when you consider how many enemies I’ve accumulated over the years it can be a serious liability. (Especially with how many of them are magicians of some talent and could use this to strike against me.)
Beyond that, I admitted some things I don’t particularly like about myself, like how it’s affected me that my influence has waned and the role I’ve played in driving folks away. I can rationalize it by saying that the involvement of others is necessary for the work I’ve been given to do for my Gods and Spirits and the string of failed groups I’ve started is just another way I’ve let them down – but there’s more to it than that.
I crave the respect of others, I want to accomplish meaningful and extraordinary things that will live on beyond me, I want to have people who excite and inspire me that I can collaborate with and who will help pick up the slack when I’m hurting, exhausted and stretched too thin as I often am these days, and – fuck, this is hard – I even want to be liked for who I am, not just what I can do for other people.
And I’m keenly aware that I don’t make that easy. I’m strange and off-putting, I take hard and controversial stances, I don’t care about the things most people do and won’t bother faking it, I don’t let folks in easily or reach out, it takes a lot to get back in my good graces once someone disappoints me, and I have a tremendous capacity for ruthlessness and cruelty when I am wronged.
To compound things, I’m going through a really rough period health-wise. It’s not necessary to go into all of that, but let’s just say that I count the hours I’m not sick or suffering high levels of pain, and there aren’t many of them in a given day. That’s affecting everything from my general outlook on life to my fraying relationships with friends and loved ones to the state of my religious practice, which requires serious effort to do even the simplest of things like pray and make offerings, let alone the types of ecstatic and magical practices that used to be second nature to me.
I have a sense of what I need to do to dig myself out of this, but most days I find it challenging to manage self-care and household chores, let alone higher level functions such as traversing the abyss, confronting the empty husks of dead selves, transmuting poison into the elixir of life, and harnessing the rays of the Black Sun. Especially since I’m figuring shit out as I go, there’s no guarantee I’m going to succeed and I don’t exactly have any living lineage elders or even a community I can turn to for advice and support.
But I know that if I don’t do something, and soon, this situation is not just going to get worse – it will destroy me.
And so that’s why I made the previous post and this one. I needed a good, hard look in the mirror, an unflinching inventory of where I’m at, what’s going on in my head and in my life, and to unburden my soul through public confession so that I can begin to move forward. I do this all the time, internally, as part of my practice of discernment – but there are minimal consequences when it’s just in your head, or something shared with someone who’s going to accept and love you no matter what.
I needed to put this stuff out there because I didn’t want to, so even the folks who hate me could see it, so that both the truths and the lies of it can no longer hold power over me. I had to declare, “this is who I am” so that I could move past that and become something else.
And now it’s time to do that.