Oh Columbia, Goddess of this wine-rich land, have mercy on us,
you who inspired the weak and scattered colonies to throw off
the yoke of British tyranny because the bastards proposed
a three per cent tax increase on tea, and forged from the ashy remnants
one of the mightiest nations Earth has ever known,
breathing sweet concord upon our founding Fathers
that they might draft an eminently wise, just, humane and stabilizing
set of documents to guide our youthful polity
in avoiding the excesses and errors of old Europe
who sent their best across the perilous seas
in search of wealth, liberty, opportunity
and everything else required to create a happy life
for themselves and those who would come after.
Oh Columbia, Goddess of this land where all men have equal standing
before the law, and wealthy women too, forgive the fool and coward
who would trade these precious gifts of yours for the illusion of safety
because the sophist, the politician, and the quack doctor
have pumped their brains so full of fear that they piss themselves
when someone near goes “achoo!”
Oh Columbia, who has sent her brave sons and daughters out
to fight the Nazi, Commie and Islamofascist,
turn your gaze from those now who are begging
the tech companies to surveil them,
who long to lick the jackboots of the cop
they were protesting just months before,
and who will eagerly snitch on their neighbors for the greater good,
all the while seeing no irony in calling themselves
proud and decent Americans.