I’m not really suffering from depression. It’s more short-sighted frustration with an ακηδία chaser.
There’s all these big life changes I want and need to be making, but because of a coalescence of external factors largely (but, I acknowledge, not entirely) outside of my control I haven’t been able to. (And because I can’t do those big things, everything else in my life has felt stagnant and meaningless.) There’s a lot of benefits that come with trying to live entirely in the moment — and a couple pretty big downsides. Like, if something isn’t happening right now it feels unreal and impossible. Intellectually I know that’s not the case. But, as should be apparent by now, it’s θυμός that governs me, not νους. And so, periodically, I need to remind myself (or be reminded by Others) to consider a big picture perspective on things. Nothing is permanent; everything is in flux.
Fortunately that includes obstacles too.
Equally fortunately most of the obstacles in my way are stacked atop each other so once I begin hacking at one the others will fall with nothing to support them. And some of the worst obstacles are being solved merely by the passage of time. For instance, I haven’t been able to begin looking for a new job because certain things were, well, rather uncertain these last couple weeks. Now they’re not. Come Monday I can start the job hunt in earnest and just that alone is going to change so much for me. And in a couple weeks it’ll start to get warmer and that, too, will open up a bunch of new possibilities.
I’m not expecting life or fate or chance or the gods or anything else to just hand me what I want. We’re owed nothing but death in this world. I will earn my happiness through sacrifice and toil. I was just feeling yesterday like I haven’t even had a chance to try yet.
But that’s the key, innit?
Come Monday there’ll be no more excuses. No more pity parties. No more external crap holding me back. I stand or fall on my own merits.