The value of knowing how to handle Jesus pimps

Christians can be incredibly annoying. Knowing how to handle someone who’s trying to fulfill the Great Commission is absolutely essential in this culture. You need intelligence, confidence, a cool head and a strong sense of humor – all important Pagan Values if you ask me. To illustrate, here’s an exchange I had a while back when I worked tech support in a call center.

I’d just gotten his modem back online, and was going through the little spiel we use to wrap up phone calls. He commented on my name, asked if I knew where it came from. I said, “Yeah, the Hebrew prophet,” and he said “and author of one of the books of the Bible.” I pointed out that Lamentations was also ascribed to Jeremiah, so that made him author of at least two books – three if you counted the apocryphal Additions to Jeremiah. He said, “Oh, so you know your Bible,” and I replied, “Yup,” trying to get him off the phone so he didn’t murder my call times. Obliviously, he pushed on.

Him: Are you a Christian?
Me: Nope
Him: Jewish?
Me: Nope.
Him: Are you religious?
Me: Very. I’m a Hellenic Polytheist.

*several moments of dead air*

Him: Uhm … do you know where you’re going when you die?
Me: Yeah … Elysium.
Him: Where’s that? It sounds like something out of Superman.
Me: *laughs* Definitely not out of Superman.
Him: Where’s that?
Me: It’s where dead Greeks go.
Him: Do you know Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Me: No. Dionysos is my savior.
Him: Who’s Dionysos? The Goddess Diana?
Me: He’s like Jesus … only much cooler. God of wine, prophecy, religious ecstacy, nature, and sex.
Him: How do you know he’s real?
Me: I feel it in my blood and bones. I talk with him almost every day. He’s realer to me than you are. Anyway, I’m on Sitel’s dime here. If you’d like to hear more about him and what I believe, I can give you my website, and you can email me from there. Otherwise, I’ve got to go.
Him: No, no. That’s okay.

And that was it.

Taken from my now defunct livejournal.

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12 thoughts on “The value of knowing how to handle Jesus pimps

  1. Nyktypolos

    Hmm..very interesting exchange. I like how you were pretty sincere and just laid it all out there instead of doing that whole thing where you try to show how your religion or w/e isn’t really so different from someone else’s or go on about the ‘divine’ or some shit. Blessings.

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    • > I like how you were pretty sincere and just laid it all out there instead of
      > doing that whole thing where you try to show how your religion or w/e isn’t
      > really so different from someone else’s or go on about the ‘divine’ or some
      > shit.

      Well, didn’t you know that the only way to get taken seriously as a Hellenist is to describe it as “like a mix of Hindu and Catholicism” –something I actually read from some-one, once. Once.

      Oi theoi….

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      • Somebody actually wrote that? And believed it???

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        • Yep. I read it on the (now-defunct) comments of Star Foster’s Patheos blog. Said this was how they explained it to non-pagans. Can’t exactly remember who said it, though, but I’m pretty sure they identified themselves as a member of Hellenion, which sorta narrows down the possibilities.

          It’s like, OK, I can understand the desire to make Hellenismos seem just as normal as any other religion (technically it is, when you compare it to all world religions that have ever existed, and some philosophical schools can make it seem as “normal” as Christianity), and even the desire to point out that Christianity borrowed hella from Orphics and Platonists. At the same time, though, describing Hellenismos as “like a mix of Catholicism and Hindu” even if we’re assuming they include the part about the Hellenic pantheon instead of the Hindu one, that’s still pretty inaccurate.

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  2. Much better than I handled the two who showed up on my back porch in the middle of fencing practice one lovely Sunday afternoon. They kept asking me to pray with them and to make a commitment to God, and I very smoothly said I had already made vows to MY god, and if they didn’t leave I was getting the water hose.

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  3. Galina

    THIS. This made my morning. Thank you, Sannion.

    Like

  4. Syna

    As juvenile as it is, I never get tired of subverting the standard Great Commission scripts by saying, “No, it isn’t that I don’t believe in your god, exactly. I just revere different gods.”

    They often find it SO threatening, and my inner fourteen-year-old is pretty gleeful about it. :p

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  5. *applause*

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  6. harmonyfb

    Your exchange was priceless. I’ll have to keep that in mind. I’m usually just so irritated that all I can do is tell them to get the *#@! off my porch.

    Ever see the “Power Puff Girls”? When evangelizers show up on my doorstep, I turn into Fuzzy Lumpkin: “GET OFFA MAH PROPERTEE!!!”

    I had a pair of JW’s about two weeks ago. First thing Saturday morning, and I’m scowling at them and saying “Do you not see that I’m in my pajamas?” (family members had run out for donuts and I thought it was them returning, otherwise I would not have opened the door.)

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  7. Marvellous….

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  8. Kudos for that, and for having survived working at a HelpDesk. I used to “love” those callers.

    Regards,

    SE

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  9. You handled that WAY better than I did the Jehova’s Witnesses! I tip my hat and raise yet another toast.

    Like

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