Once you get past the twee traditions cooked up to sell you things you don’t need and into the true heart of the holidays, that is. You know, things such as violent hairy black men. And spiders. And logs that shit candy. And G. I. Joe battling animal-mask wearing Druids that are trying to summon Lovecraftian elder horrors on the Solstice. And of course – lest Fox News accuse us of warring against Christmas – the true reason for the season, the birth of the baby Jesus. So whatever your holiday of choice – may it be a happy one and I pray you don’t get pepper-sprayed by the cops!
Also, remember: if you masturbate Satan will teach you magic! Not sure what that has to do with Christmas – but then again I’m not sure what it doesn’t have to do with it, either.